Jazak Allahu khair for your input and suggestions. SM, my heart goes out to you. Living separately despite being in love can be a good idea. There is no denying of the fact that married children have all the rights that you are so forcefully communicating. No one would interfere and when people are all living together, it creates conflicts and … Expect from Allah not from people. Am I supposed to bear their expanses in the future? Hence, they have no one older than them around, who can correct them or scold them for their mistakes. I feel that mostly ppl are so brain washed by our hindu culture that they are not admitting the guidance of Allah I am someone who has listened to many, many real cases of real marital problems; problems most Muslim men (I am again using the word “most” here) can neither wholly understand nor even begin to solve, because their attitude relies heavily on idealistic expectations of all their women getting along perfectly in this purely cultural, extended-family setup. Shaytan wants the marriage broken and its easier to give up and break. And yes, you’re right, may Allah make us among those parents whose children, decades later, take them as the correct Islamic role-models, instead of getting spurned off by their culture-endorsed domestic injustices. I think the biggest ehsan is that you gave them education. When a grandparent, therefore, steps in between a child and his mother, defending him or her and using their authority over the latter to undermine her efforts at discipline or commands of upright behavior (which are always intended for the child’s own good, as the cliché goes), what they are doing, in essence, is facilitating the child’s disobedience of his parent. This is our responsibilty as a man i believe. Living with parents often acts as a burden to many couples in this aspect. If an aunt or uncle is to visit in the evening for tea, the couple is expected to be at home (at least in the beginning of the marriage, when they have not earned their freedom or independence yet), even if what they really want to do is go out for dinner, coffee or dessert alone or with just their kids. All of them, with the exception of one who is a new bride, have been married for 2 years or more. However, to make it work you need both parties who are willing to give, and give up (to a certain extent) their worldly rights in lieu of rewards in the Hereafter. It is also her duty to look after parents or brother(not my husband) who gives his whole salary in her tuition fee. Even things like massaging them at night due to their aching bodies was later used to emotionally blackmail me, I still did that because I cared about them. What’s more, the parents of young couples who live in other cities or countries sorely miss their children. my husbands elder brother who lives in the same city comes to our house every weekend on wednesday evening and stays until saturday morning.he is a difficult person to get along with anyone including his very own family.he decides what we should eat etc.myself and my 3 daughters are confined to the bedroom and hubby and he sits out in the lounge.we are not able to do anything which we usually do on weekends like visiting friends or shopping etc as he is very embarrassing to be with. It’s not about sofas and money, I could not care less about these things, but why engage in blackmail and manipulation to keep me controlled? Easy. He is the key change-maker in this situation, so please talk to him about this with wisdom and careful choice of words. When I came back my MIL wanted to me to do all the house chores. Perhaps because of this, they might start calling/contacting their parents less, or visiting less. Opinionated article…but thats what blogs are i guess , Has anyone considered what their Islamic RESPONSIBILITIES are rather than fighting for their RIGHTS. She used to manipulate my brothers to ‘engage’ me, to keep my mind busy so I don’t get time to process what she is doing to me. My mother used emotional blackmail in the most overt ways. You write clearly and without emotion. My father was a angry man through out my life, he used to smother me with small talks and fully cooperate with my mother to support her insidous, toxic thinking. the wives of our Prophet [صلى الله عليه وسلم] and the two wives of Ibrahim [ عليه السلام], Sarah and Hajrah, who could not get along. How ever i am not comfortable with the idea of taking my daughter there till my parents come to the place where i live ( the reason for this is only respect) my brother has not played a very wise role and has at times been involved in provoking my parents. The hard part for them is not the fear that their adult offspring will not take care of them in their old age, but that they will no longer be telling their adult children what to do and how to do it, as they have for decades before. I do agree that in Muslim marriage, if istikharah is done before finalizing it, mutual love and compatibility between a husband and wife develops as a gift from Allah and as a result of sincere and constant effort put into the relationship by both spouses as well as their families. If both people just attempt to fulfill their obligations the marriage will be fine. To say that most of the time it goes well or that there is an ideal (or Utopian as you said) way to do it…..does not give the excuse to neglect this pervasive problem of injustice or lack of balance in the spouse vs parent relationship. (Hanafi) Reference: Darul Iftaa AskImam.org: 17819. They have no one to serve or take care of, and perhaps no job to do to support a family, thus they have a lot of free time and “idleness” that allows them to think constantly about their children and grandchildren. I’ve been married for a year living in a joint family system. Do you think this is the proper approach? Every husband-wife duo should always try to solve their problems themselves first, and take help from parents or anyone else only when the situation has gone out of control and divorce seems imminent on the horizon. Sister 3: Honestly one year is a pretty short time to have given up on patience. Both should be observed and may Allaah give us all guidance to find the path for harmony between our spouses and respective families. With regard to your serving them and doing housework, you are not obliged to do that, but if you do it as an act of kindness towards them, or to please your husband, that will be good and you will have the reward for that in sha Allah. As you said, a father-in-law is a mahrum in Islam, and you are not obliged to cover your head with a headscarf (hijab) before him. For this reason (maintaining their rightful authority over their wives as principle provider) they should not allow anyone else to indulgently “pamper” their wife by providing her with luxuries and lavish gifts that can “spoil” her or make her not just extravagant but also disrespectful towards her “qawwam“. and similarly am sure there are cases when parents are happy with fat pay cheques that their sons send them from foreign countries. That being said, however, and since we all are human, I know that if I were in your position, I would also be struggling to remain positive in this situation. But is it fair to make others suffer because you have suffered too. And that is rather the point isn’t it? May Allah guide us all to not commit any injustice with another, and also to STOP injustice when we see it, especially within our own homes and families. Introduction Marriage has been ordained by Allah as the correct and legal way to produce children and replenish the earth. Their entire relationship and mutual closeness is dependent on how often they are excused by others in the household from being at another place, with someone else, to meet someone else’s needs instead of their spouse’s. Remember the hadith that says, “your mother, your mother, your mother?” Well, the 28-year-old daughter-in-law is her child’s mother, too. Now, they too, have become parents. 3. Any time I have a cousin or adult suggest living at home, I rebuff them and explain that I may not be rich, but I am responsible, and therefore have no intention to subject my parents … husbands who are under the control of their parents, in my experience remain the same. Can you please quote me the fatwa where the above lines are mentioned.Its not in the answer of 96665. Andd i’m gld Preference for traditions, culture, and over-prioritization of the rights of a few is supported by an underlying foundation of insecurity and desire for continued control on others’ lives and activities. If he is able to provide her with accommodation that is completely separate from his family, that will be better for her, but if his parents are elderly and need him, and they have no one else to serve them and the only way he can serve them is by living with them, then he has to do that.” [Islam.QA.com, 96665]. Because he did not do this he is blameworthy. Sister 6: Some excellent advice here masha’Allah. Three issues that are of core importance in Islam to the traditional joint family situation, but are severely undermined by them, need to be pointed out along with scholarly views, Insha’Allah. By the joint family we mean married children and their elderly parents living together in one house, usually with their bedrooms opening on to a common area and a shared kitchen. Part 1, Are Women’s Rewards Inferior to Men’s? having exclusive rights to obedience and respect, without first doing all the DUTIES associated with this loftier position i.e. Allahu Alim! The real problem actually lies with the inherent insecurity and lack of trust in the newly-arrived daughter-in-law that a son’s parents might feel. She has been very rude on many occasions and ever cursed me. So, we really need to take it easy with the hypothetical, Utopian, self-indulgent theories based on our naive idealism, and acknowledge that there are many, many flexible options for the care of elderly in our society. I have a family member of mine who is a newly-wed and moved into a separate home from his parents home as a request from his wife wanting her own private space. After the wedding and rukhsati or whatever, the bride and groom stayed in a hotel. Marriage is the only legal bond for man and woman relationship in the UAE. I pray that you are granted ease. You see miserable young daughter-in-laws are writing day in day out about their miseries and the cruelty of their in-laws. However, because I am married and know many people who are also married, I cannot help but agree with some points in your comment. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala advises in His Book: “And if you fear a split between the two of them, then appoint an arbiter from his relatives and an arbiter from her relatives. So this problem also occurs. Another inherent flaw in the argument that the joint family system ensures the care and service of elderly parents, is that it assumes that all elderly people have sons. As an example, we know that the person who has greatest rights over a Muslim is the mother. However unfortunately, deen has no say in our lives much, which leads to this jahalah (ignorance) in our society. My mother used my father’s illness to induce guilt. If the couple moves on from the rough patch in their marriage, forgives each other and goes on to dwell together happily, these parents (especially mothers) still hold grudges along the lines of “Remember when she threw my son out of the home? The tug of war that results from differing understandings of parenting are also a source of tension in marriage. 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